Finding Connection and Emotional Balance During the Holidays

A Reflection on Matthew Vail’s Talk with Chicago Prime Timers

The holidays can bring twinkling lights, laughter, and celebration—but for many, they also bring loneliness, pressure, and emotional exhaustion. At a recent presentation for Chicago Prime Timers, the local chapter of a national organization for older gay men, Salix Psychotherapy Co-Founder Matthew Vail invited attendees to explore this complicated mix of emotions and to learn practical ways to care for their mental health during the season.

Acknowledging the Pressure to Be Joyful

Matthew began with a simple, disarming question:

“Who here has ever felt pressure to be cheerful when you weren’t feeling it?”

Hands went up across the room. It was a moment of collective honesty—a recognition that, despite the holiday marketing and family traditions, joy isn’t automatic. Some years, just staying grounded or even neutral can be an act of strength.

“You don’t have to be joyful,” Matthew reminded the group. “Neutral is fine. Even cranky with flair is acceptable.”

This re-framing set the tone for an afternoon of self-compassion and realistic expectations, particularly for LGBTQ+ older adults, who often face unique emotional challenges this time of year.

Why the Holidays Can Feel Especially Hard

Matthew shared that, in a recent Chicago survey, 62% of LGBTQ+ older adults reported living alone. Many are less likely to have long-term partners, traditional family networks, or unconditional invitations to gatherings. Transgender adults have, in some cases, been encouraged to sever family ties entirely.

Layer onto that the lack of representation in mainstream holiday imagery—endless ads of straight couples in matching pajamas—and it’s easy to feel invisible.

All of these factors can heighten feelings of isolation, grief, or emotional fatigue, especially when contrasted with cultural expectations of togetherness and celebration.

Naming What Shows Up

One of Matthew’s key messages was that healing begins by naming what you’re feeling—without judgment.

He invited the group to identify emotions that surface during the holidays:

• Loneliness 
• Grief and nostalgia for lost partners, friends, or times when the season felt different 
• Resentment and fatigue—“another year of the same” 
• Even “seasonal rage at cheerful mall Santas” 

By naming these emotions, we reclaim power from them.

Matthew also distinguished between loneliness and solitude:

• Loneliness is an unwanted, painful disconnection. 
• Solitude is chosen quiet—a time for rest, reflection, and self-care. 

“Solitude,” he said, “is part of winter itself. Nature slows down, and we can, too.”

He introduced the idea of micro-joys—small, intentional moments of contentment:
a warm mug between your hands, a snowy morning walk, or the feeling of finishing a good book. These tiny sparks of peace aren’t about “holiday magic.” They’re about mindfulness and staying connected to the present moment.

Reframing the Season

Matthew offered a grounding reminder:

“The holidays are a container—you get to decide what fills it.”

Instead of forcing ourselves to meet cultural expectations, we can redefine what the season means. It doesn’t have to be about gifts, parties, or perfection. It can be about quiet rituals, meaningful connection, and emotional safety.

At Salix, we often remind clients that it’s okay to rewrite traditions—or skip them altogether—if they don’t serve your mental health. Healing sometimes means doing less, but with more intention.

Practical Strategies for Emotional Well-Being

Matthew closed with tangible ways to move through the holidays with care and intention:

• Create anchors. Light a candle for someone you’ve lost, write a note to your younger self, or treat yourself to something indulgent and grounding. 
• Make plans by choice, not obligation. Surround yourself with people who restore your energy, not drain it. Host your own gathering, like a “Gays Who Refuse to Cook” breakfast at a diner. 
• Build a support system. A “holiday buddy” who checks in with you—or you with them—can make a huge difference. 
• Set boundaries at family gatherings. Decide in advance how long you’ll stay or what conversations you’ll disengage from. Humor helps: “I’ll stay until someone mentions politics—or misgenders me—whichever comes first.” 
• Volunteer only if it nourishes you. Helping others should come from connection, not guilt. 
• Plan something for January. A post-holiday ritual, even something small, can mark survival and renewal. 

Closing Thoughts

As the talk wound down, Matthew offered one final reflection:

“You are allowed to do the holidays on your terms. You don’t owe anyone cheer, gifts, or attendance. You can celebrate with friends, with pets, with Judy Garland—or not at all.”

The message resonated deeply with attendees. It wasn’t about rejecting joy—it was about reclaiming authenticity and giving ourselves permission to show up as we are.

For those struggling with loneliness, grief, or anxiety this season, therapy can be a space to process those emotions safely and build tools for connection and resilience. The holidays don’t have to be perfect—they just have to be honest.

If You’re Struggling This Holiday Season

Salix Psychotherapy offers affirming, compassionate mental health care for individuals across Chicago and beyond.

 

 If you’re finding this time of year difficult, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to navigate it by yourself.

Reach out to our team to connect with a therapist who understands and supports your journey.